What made the return to your ex successful

Back to the Ex - Are Warmed Up Relationships Better?

Most read in 2020 from our love archive: Many couples give their love a second chance, some cannot with or without each other. In an interview, couples therapist Oliviero Lombardi explains what makes sex with the ex fatal and why opportunities are limited.

Stuttgart - Sex with the ex, the fourth love comeback with the ex and the great miss of the good old days. Many couples give their love a second chance, some cannot with or without each other. Couples therapist Oliviero Lombardi explains in an interview what makes casual sex with the ex-partner fatal and why opportunities are limited.

What are the arguments in favor of reheating a relationship and what against it?

In principle, a love comeback is a good idea if the parameters are right and the same mistakes are not made again. If the one comeback turns into a series of new beginnings, something fundamental is wrong and love is only warmed up. On the other hand, if you become aware of what went wrong in the relationship, you have a realistic chance of starting over. Everything else is an escalation model - and as the saying goes: Hope dies last.

Some can't with each other - but also not without each other - do some couples just need constant drama?

If there is no sound basis, there is only drama. If your own quirks and those of your partner complement each other - for example dominance and fearfulness - these parameters are attractive, but cause problems for the relationship. The profiles that were created in childhood must be further developed in the partnership and brought on an equal footing. Only those who develop balance and appreciation can avoid drama and overcome past problems. This new fit is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

How do you notice after a break in a relationship or a breakup whether you are missing the person in person or simply a relationship and closeness?

One mistake that many couples make to check whether they are still in love is to withdraw completely from their partner and avoid all contact. But when you are alone, you glorify the past when everything was better and long for your partner. So you can easily get back together without having changed any relevant things.

I recommend that if you want to give your ex-partner a chance to continue to meet them - of course, systematically, for example during couples therapy. So you can practice doing it better and experience the other in a positive way. Interaction is therefore better than isolation and negotiating problems on your own. Only when you work on the relationship and experience the other can a new start be successful.

What if you keep thinking about the injuries of the past?

Often a part suffers extremely from injuries or devaluations. In heteronormative relationships, it is usually the woman who cannot cope with the fact that her husband has cheated on, for example. If the affair is accompanied by low self-esteem or other weaknesses in the partner, it seems particularly bad. The meaning always arises from the recipient. So it can happen again and again that negative feelings come to the surface and endanger the restart.

How do you solve this problem?

For me, the ideal solution is to ask the injured person: What would you need for a fresh start? Mostly it is an admission and a serious excuse to overcome the deep-seated pain. I can then convey that to the other partner in a one-on-one session. You have to understand the dynamics of the relationship and also recognize your own part in the failure, then you break away from the unhelpful perpetrator / victim attribution.

When should you let your friends and family in on your new relationship status?

Of course, it causes irritation in friends and family if you wept your eyes a few weeks ago and are now holding hands with your ex-partner again. You should already be aware that many might then think that you are crazy. Especially when it comes to children together, I advise you to examine the new beginning thoroughly and without rushing before you confront your environment with it.

Sex with the ex. Practical habit or fatal?

Sex with the ex-partner actually makes sense in some ways. It would be paradoxical to suddenly hate your formerly loved partner. For many it is also practical because it is familiar - but this form of comeback also has its dangers. I have to think of a sentence from the movie "Harry and Sally": "Men and women can never be friends". There will always be something sexual in the room, which can also inspire jealousy in a new relationship. Many understandably cannot get involved in a new relationship if the ex-partner is still sexually involved. In my opinion, the friendship-plus model is not beneficial either, but rather avoids relationships. Even if sex with the ex plays a role despite a new relationship, the basis of the connection is not a lucky star.

How can a new beginning even succeed?

It is important to recognize old patterns and to break open, not to repeat mistakes made. Nevertheless, it has to be said that up to 80 percent of all love comebacks fail again. You can't be naive and keep giving the relationship new opportunities. The danger is that it will be an even bigger disaster.

So would you prefer a new partner instead of a comeback with the ex-love?

Basically, I think it's easier to get things right and solve problems rather than finding a new partner. Otherwise, old problems may arise again with a new partner.

Click here for Oliviero Lombardi's website

Read the other parts of our "Let's talk about ..." column series here:

Love doesn't know age, does it?

When we want what is not good for us

How do you heal a broken heart?

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