How mother-in-law destroy marriages
Mother-in-law is destroying our marriage
but does not mean making life difficult for the child's partner.
My mother also cried when I moved out because she knows some parents where the children practically stopped calling.
There are a lot of grown children who, in my opinion, are really misbehaving.
I think that if you have (had) loving parents, you should give something back.
It goes without saying that I will look after my parents when they are old and helpless.
And even now, when they are still doing well, I try to be there for them.
Sometimes there are also tasks such as looking after the house, garden and cats when they are away.
I ask about them, we talk on the phone, I'll drive over ...
My grandparents were also very important to me; I only have one grandpa left who has meanwhile passed 90.
Unfortunately he lives very far away and therefore I can't see him as often as I would like. But I write to him every 2 weeks (not just postcards ...) and send him photos.
I can understand the concerns of many parents when adult children go their own way.
Maybe they see a lot differently, are reminded of their own experiences, want to protect.
But this protection cannot be such that they rush against the partner of the child!
Especially since such in-laws usually don't bother to get to know their children-in-law ...
Even children in a relationship can still have a good relationship with their own parents.
In this respect, I find parents who sabotage this by inciting against the partner of the adult child, simply wrong!
This has nothing to do with letting go, just a lack of respect.
They cannot respect the choice of their child and therefore have no respect for the child themselves.
There is no point in talking to mother-in-law Tacheles as long as your partner continues to tolerate abuse from her.
I also tried to get on well with the mother of my first friend, but she became more and more poisonous, sentences like: "You are taking our son away from us!"
My ex just said: "That's the way mother is." He didn't care at all; he just listened and looked away.
My husband has a very difficult father, because he is choleric and dominant.
Again and again he sets limits for himself by not doing everything he advises him to do. For example, he didn't join his company before our relationship.
Of course, my husband is used to the stupid talk and can ignore it better than me.
But now I keep my mouth shut for the most part at the one meeting a year and I do very well with it.
My mother-in-law is not easy either; sometimes she is the dearest person in the world and sometimes totally dismissive.
I used to try to get in touch with her more, but things have been going better since I stopped.
For example, I no longer pick up the phone when your number appears on the display, but let my husband answer the call straight away.
Apart from the meetings and a birthday present from both of us, I have no contact with her at all.
One can only advise avoiding difficult in-laws.
The more you try, the worse it goes.
Some people just don't harmonize with one another; every sentence is misunderstood / maliciously interpreted. Wrong conclusions are drawn, which creates critk. There is a lack of respect for the other.
In-laws are not automatically like your own parents (if they were / are dear) and you have to understand that first.
In the same way, parents-in-law have to understand that this young man / woman who brought their child may not meet their expectations.
Many parents pay attention to unimportant things like status, occupation, age, appearance etc.
My parents always wanted me to be a career man 5-10 years older than me.
They got a 1.5 years younger student who was still unsuccessful at the time!
Parents of daughters in particular want a provider, even if the daughter is firmly established in her professional life. A man that the daughter looks up to, like in the old movies from the 50s.
However, parents of daughters usually let go faster and very friendly mothers can understand why the daughter fell in love with this man.
Parents of sons often see their daughter-in-law as competition: a younger, usually more attractive woman, to whom all doors are still open.
Who should only take care of her son, so that he is dressed warmly enough and gets enough to eat.
The young woman can never please them.
There are few parents who really love their daughter-in-law. But these are never the ones who think that they are taking their son away from him.
I find this attitude strange anyway, because we are dealing with adult people! How can you own an adult, think you have a claim on him !?
If you forbid the 14-year-old boyfriend to be a boyfriend, I think that's okay, maybe she's really not mature enough to realize that he's not the best, but you should leave that decision to your grown-up child.
Although I would try to get to know this young man first with the 14-year-old.
Even a 16-year-old who is a bit aimlessly smoking pot can be a super nice guy.
At this age, relationships are usually not so serious that people really think about the future. Teen relationships usually last no longer than 1 year. And if it does, then there will probably be something to this person!
And even if you are absolutely not warm with the child's partner, you should at least respect the relationship. Do not force your opinion on the child, do not interfere, etc. If necessary, just be polite and friendly towards your partner.
Likewise, as a hated daughter-in-law you shouldn't make the mistake of restricting your partner's contact with your parents.
Even if you think these people are not good company. Even if you think you will lose him to her.
My husband, for example, is now just as upset about his parents as I was before.
He also recognizes the differences, for example that he is much better off with me.
But it took a while until these insights came ...
I never forbade him to have contact with them.
But I've always made it clear that I don't want to spend all the holidays alone, even if I don't feel like going to them.
Parents do not come first.
In the first place for me is my husband and far above all other people.
Still, I would never neglect my parents.
When you live further away from your parents, it is more difficult to find a balance
I couldn't see my parents every 2 weeks (like now) if they lived 600km away!
All in all, I agree with you, Mathilda, but if you ignore the new face from the outset, then it cannot work.
And if the partner doesn't stop his own teasing parents, then there won't be a cool but respectful relationship.
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