I would regret having sex before marriage
: Experience report: no sex before marriage? "That's why our relationship failed"
They wanted to save each other. Christin and her boyfriend agreed that they would wait until after the marriage to have sex for the first time. Today the 32-year-old says: "It was our biggest mistake".
Christin grew up in a Christian home with an older sister. Sex was a taboo subject that was not discussed. If she was watching television with her parents and there were kissing or sex scenes, the mother or father commented negatively. From an early age, Christians thought sexuality was bad. The thought of waiting until after marriage to have sex calmed her. She trusted her parents that she would not be seduced.
No sex before marriage
This was not noticed in her circle of friends. For the most part, that came from religious households, so that many, along with Christin, wished to really only become intimate with their spouses. “Nonetheless, there were of course tricky situations from time to time,” says Christin. When she was in love, when she got closer to someone. But she stayed strong.
Then she got to know Martin *. He listened to her, strengthened her. He, too, was still a virgin and wanted to wait until after the marriage to have sex. They kissed, held hands - that was all there was to it. But Martin's desire for intimacy grew stronger, so they soon started talking about wedding. There was a Christian 24. She would never have thought of getting married so early. Just no sex without marriage. But she was already curious.
Three years after getting to know each other, Christin and Martin said yes. On the wedding night - nothing happened. And not the next day either. The pressure on the couple just married was just too high. So long they had waited for this moment, had imagined what it would be like to sleep together.
It was supposed to be the crowning glory of their love - but that didn't work. Christin couldn't switch off the thought that sex was bad overnight. Nor is the conviction that Martin can "do without" either. She was inhibited. "It just didn't click."
Finally sex! That was the first time
Four weeks after the wedding, Christin and Martin had their first time. It wasn't a nice experience. “More like a painful one,” recalls Christin. It was hard for her to relax and she wondered if it really was the was what they had been waiting for so long? Neither of them had any experience. “Maybe we were just overwhelmed with the situation,” thinks Christin today.
Christin describes her abstinence before marriage as the greatest mistake. The initial love for Martin quickly turned into friendship - also because there was no intimacy. “Our relationship failed because of that,” says Christin. She could talk to Martin about anything, could laugh with him - but she just couldn't feel any need for him.
The relationship breaks because of abstinence
“This marriage would probably never have existed,” says Christin, “if we had just tried each other out beforehand and also got to know each other physically.” Then they would both have noticed that they functioned more as best friends ... So Christin withdrew more and more. She didn't know if it was herself - or him. But she lacked the comparison.
When a doctor finally told Christian after an ovarian operation that she should get pregnant soon if she wanted to have children, it was clear to her that she had to break up. By then she had been married to Martin for two years and had no sexually agreed denominator.
Separation: Sexually, the couple did not come to a common denominator
Some of her friends turned away. Breaking a marriage did not fit into their worldview. But others stayed - and are by their side to this day. Especially those who have also noticed that abstinence before marriage wasn't good for them. "You could understand me."
In the time after the separation, Christin felt free and even got involved in a one-night stand. Then she noticed for the first time: Oh, sex can be great too! Still, she felt that she was looking for something else. Not the quick number, but something serious, with lust and love. She soon met the man who eventually became her second husband.
In love again: This is what lust feels like
Carsten * had experience with women, he did not come from their Christian environment, he was completely different. And she wanted to do everything differently for me. And so there were intimacies even before the marriage of the two. “That was a very romantic and intense time,” says Christin. And even today she calls him “the best that could have happened to me”.
Christin still has difficulty in giving up completely. But Carsten has a lot of patience with her, is relaxed and gives her time. And that's good for her, because she says: "Sex just makes up a large part of the relationship, it connects partners in a completely different way". And sometimes it bears fruit.
Happily married: the second child is on the way
Their first child was born two and a half years ago. A daughter. And now a tummy bulges again under Christin's blouse. The growing baby just shows her once more that she made the right decisions. Because, unlike with her first husband, it soon became clear to Carsten that he would be the father of her children.
* Name changed by the editor
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