What are some crush facts
7 facts that determine if and with whom we fall in love
1. Only those who believe in love can fall in love
I particularly like the English expression “falling in love” because it suggests that we “let ourselves fall into love” - a nice idea. But for that to happen we have to believe in love.
If you only look to others to blame for failed relationships or experiences of rejection, you are looking in the wrong place! Of course, it is seductive at first to think that your exes were or are simply stupid and mean - but that ultimately only leads to you becoming bitter, losing faith in love and fundamentally rejecting the people you come from actually want to be accepted. That can't work. And: you will not fall in love (and no one will fall in love with you)!
When it comes down to who we fall in love with - and why - the following psychological processes have a major impact:
2. We fall in love with people who we believe can meet our needs
Many people wish - consciously or unconsciously - to experience everything in a partnership that they have longed for since childhood. Very often we don't even know a lot about it - we usually only recognize our needs when someone stands in front of us who “awakens” them in us.
Often we wish from a partnership that as many of our relationship needs as possible are met, and thus we hold a potential partner responsible for feeling loved, valued, desired, cared for, accepted. Almost always it is way too much for this one person. And often enough we expect a partner to give us what we are not even ready to give to ourselves: that he likes and accepts us as we are.
You don't always have to find yourself “super great” - but if you manage to make peace with yourself instead of constantly grappling with yourself, you significantly improve your chances of being really liked by others, and you no longer “need” a partner who complains and confirms the bad self-esteem.
3. We unconsciously re-enact unresolved conflicts from our childhood
This is probably one of the most important facts to know about love and partnership: The inexplicable attraction to certain people can mainly be explained by the fact that we choose people who radiate a certain potential. We all carry unexplained emotional conflicts within us - trauma, if you will. These emotional conflicts - situations with which we were overwhelmed as children and which we could not understand - sink into our unconscious, live on within us and long for salvation. Most of the time, however - because we are not aware of it - the conflict resolution fails because we do not recognize that we are currently performing a "play" with our partner:
Anyone who suffered a lot as a child from the fact that one parent was unable to express their love will again and again choose a partner as an adult, who is also not good at that.
If you had the feeling in your childhood that your mother is a kind of "prison officer" who robs you of your freedom, you will always get to know women, mistake partnership for ownership and get the last nerve with their jealousy and restriction of personal freedom rob. And so on ...
The redemption lies in realizing what conflict in you unresolved and to clarify this with yourself and the "originally triggering people". If you recognize the conflict or the traumatic experience, decipher it and, for example, can solve it through forgiveness or understanding, you will no longer need a partner who "plays" this situation for you again or with whom you repeat the situation again and again.
4. It's not just about “feeling good”, it's also about growth
When I ask my seminar participants why they want a partnership, the answers are very similar: “To share the good things in life” or “start a family” and above all: “be happy”. But in a partnership you are not automatically happy - and that is exactly what it's not about:
Even if your partner is someone with whom you share a lot, often laughs, you help and complement each other - in the long run he / she is exactly the person you argue with, who drives you to white heat, that you feel misunderstood and that gets on your nerves tremendously.
And that's exactly what a partnership is for. It's not just about the good feelings: On the one hand, this has to do with point 3 - the re-enactment of unresolved childhood conflicts - but also with it:
Your partner is the person who is closest to you. He / she knows your sore spots best, he / she finds and "stimulates" them. The solution does not lie in your partner stopping - on the contrary - he / she is the person who shows you where you want to “heal” and grow or where you still “have to do” to To free yourself from misunderstandings about yourself and the world.
Your partner is the person you can grow with - and growing sometimes hurts too: Partnering up is one of the best ways to develop your personality - if you are genuinely interested in it (partnership AND personal development). Your partner gives you the opportunity to question yourself, resolve conflicts and much more. That doesn't always make you happy - but wise.
5. It is not so important how your partner is, but how you are
Again and again I am asked what a “dream partner” is, what the person should bring and how to find his / her dream partner.
But the honest answer to these questions is: Love is not about how the other should be, but how we ourselves would like to be. We often believe that we know what a person has to be like in order for them to suit us and for us to be happy with them. But that is a fallacy, because since we develop the feeling of love out of our unconscious, we cannot even consciously know what would make us happy. But what we can know is how we would like to be ourselves, how we want to feel, how we want to be treated and how we want to behave - in a partnership.
If you focus on it, you don't have to "scan" every woman / man to see whether he or she likes you and whether she is the way you want it - instead you can get to know the person and see how you feel about yourself feel him.
6. We only find security in ourselves and love cannot be controlled
We run around 90% of our time on “autopilot”. That means: We hardly deal with what we are doing, need or want and above all not why we are doing or need it.
For example, many people want a feeling of security or control - but unfortunately it is Nothing really sure especially not when it concerns another person's feelings. So if we look for security “outside” or in / in another person, we will hardly be able to find it and will constantly try to control what happens to us. However, if we are always in the "protection and control mode" on the move, we will hardly encounter the adventure that promises love and even the encounter with another person. The moment we feel fear or need control, we take the chance for ourselves to fall in love and let love grow.
7. Love is unconditional - partnership is not
The term “love” is one of the most abused words in our language. Because it is often linked to things that have nothing to do with love itself: with jealousy, for example - but that does not arise out of love, but for example from the fear of losing the partner or the feeling of being away from the partner feeling neglected.
Love should be unconditional. But in a partnership we have certain expectations and desires - these are, however, linked to the relationship and the partner - not to love. It is important that we separate and not confuse them! Love is a feeling - it is your feeling and it is in you! The more conditions you place on other people in order to feel loved and the greater the hurdles you build yourself to allow love for others, the more difficult you ultimately make it for yourself to experience this wonderful feeling!
Conclusion: Falling in love isn't quite as involuntary as we sometimes think, is it?
It is very clear to me that these seven points cannot simply be implemented overnight for everyone. Point 4 in particular - the resolution of old inner conflicts and trauma - is a difficult task that many people do not want to accomplish without outside help or do not want to tackle it. That's why I do what I do. And that's exactly why I developed the love block test and my seminars.
Love is and remains somewhat unpredictable - a secret. But there are numerous things anyone can do to make love more likely for him / her. That's exactly what my work is all about.
There are behaviors, beliefs, inner attitudes and fears that lead you away from love and make it increasingly unlikely that someone can fall in love with you - and there are behaviors and assumptions that make it easy for people to find you interesting, lovable and attractive to perceive ...
For example, if you no longer believe in love because of bad experiences, you make it very unlikely that someone can fall in love with you.
I hope I was able to give you a few good ideas on how you can better understand who you fall in love with and why - and how to influence this for the better in the long term. Do not hesitate if you seek my support.
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